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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26368648">Tear Down These Walls</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/idmakeitbehave/pseuds/idmakeitbehave'>idmakeitbehave</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>:))), Angst, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Falling In Love, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Injuries, of course, past death of minor character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 09:09:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,821</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26368648</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/idmakeitbehave/pseuds/idmakeitbehave</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You only called the team by their last names, no matter the circumstances. Spencer wasn't quite sure why. The only thing he was sure of was that something terrible had happened to you, something that made you build these carefully constructed walls around yourself.</p>
<p>He was determined to break them down, to find a way to get close to you- however long it might take.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Spencer Reid/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>256</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Tear Down These Walls</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You only called the team by their last names.</p>
<p>It wasn’t anything wildly out of the normal, especially in this line of work, but Spencer took notice. Everyone favored last names, particularly in the field, but they would often switch to first names or nicknames in more casual settings. You never did.</p>
<p>The closest you got was when you got a little too drunk during a rare night out and would whine <em> “Pennyyyyy” </em> to Garcia. It made sense though. You knew her the longest, having met her years ago when you worked in another department. Even those occasions were few and far between, and you tended to keep yourself closed off more often than not.</p>
<p>You weren’t unfriendly- not at all- but you definitely kept the team at a purposeful distance. Spencer didn’t know exactly why, but he had a hunch. He had seen the worst sides of humanity- you all had- and that kind of trauma tended to manifest itself in a variety of ways. He could only hope that one day you would trust them enough to tell them. He wasn’t quite sure why, but he held out hope that one day you would trust <em> him </em> enough. He decided that he would wait patiently until then. As patiently as he was able to.</p>
<p>As the months went by since you had joined the team, your walls had just barely started to come down, but the last names stuck.</p>
<p>Spencer had dared to ask Garcia about you one day, torn between feeling like he was overstepping and like he just desperately wanted to know how he could get past the barriers you had built. He was fairly certain that she knew all about you- she knew all about everyone- but she had just glared and told him to ask you himself. He didn’t miss her change of tone and the distraught look that suddenly appeared on her face. There must have been something there, something that had caused you to hold everyone at a safe distance.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>The first breakthrough had come during a particularly difficult case, late one night at the hotel. Spencer hadn’t been able to sleep, as usual, and had found himself heading to the lobby in search of a vending machine in hopes of finding a midnight snack. He had found you instead, your arms hugging your legs and your chin resting on your knees.</p>
<p>You were gazing out of the window, apparently lost in thought. He stared at you for a moment, almost dumbstruck, only moving when you realized that he was there. His first instinct was flight and he opened his mouth to apologize for bothering you, but you simply smiled sadly at him and patted the empty space on the couch.</p>
<p>“Hey, Reid,” you whispered as he sat down beside you, purposefully keeping space between the two of you.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Spencer murmured back, drumming his fingers on the couch, uncertain of exactly what to do or say. This was the first time the two of you had been alone, without anyone else from the team there, aside from your fleeting interactions in the break room. “What are you doing out here?”</p>
<p>“Just thinking.”</p>
<p>Spencer studied your face from the corner of his eye. You looked absolutely exhausted and just so, so sad. He wanted to know why- he <em> ached </em>to know why. He was desperate to find a way to get that look off of your face. “About what?”</p>
<p>You turned to look at him at that, and he could practically see the gears turning in your head as you decided exactly how much you wanted to reveal to him. It was a look he was all too familiar with, a look he was sure had graced his own face a million different times. “About Peter and Caroline.”</p>
<p>He waited for you to say more, but quickly realized that that was all you were going to offer to him. “Are they on your old team?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” you sighed, your fingers picking at the hem of your oversized sweater. “Yeah, they were.”</p>
<p>Those tiny words held an immeasurable amount of weight. You gave no more details, just continued to stare out the window at the night sky. Spencer could suddenly start to see the foundation of your walls, the reason why you had built them in the first place.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>You simply nodded at him and Spencer turned his gaze to the window, completely at a loss for words. Sometimes there just weren’t any. He went to stand up, wondering if you wanted to be alone, but he stopped in his tracks when he heard you say something. It was so quiet that he almost thought he had imagined it. “What?”</p>
<p>“Stay,” you repeated, your words barely a whisper. “Please.”</p>
<p>Spencer sank back down on the couch, his heart aching from the pain in your voice. All he wanted was a way to alleviate it, to take some of that hurt away from you. The two of you sat in comfortable silence, his presence beside you a quiet comfort. The minutes passed by slowly, and he started when he felt you lay your head on his shoulder, surprised by the sudden contact. Neither of you said a word, and you stayed like that for the next hour, motionless. He only dared to move when he could tell from your quiet breathing that you had fallen asleep. Then, he raised his hand up to your face, brushing back your hair from your eyes with a feather light touch. This. This was all he needed.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>In spite of this one night, not much changed between the two of you. You continued to hold him, and the rest of the team, at an arm’s length, never daring to let anyone get any closer. You never said another word to Spencer about Peter and Caroline. You never said another word about any of it.</p>
<p>The next breakthrough wasn’t until months later when Emily was in the hospital after the latest takedown. Her injuries were fairly minor, but as per protocol, she had been checked in. The team was gathered around her in the tiny hospital room once the doctor had given her the all clear. She had to stay the night for observation, but once morning came all would be fine and well.</p>
<p>There was a chorus of laughs in the room as the team joked with one another, just thankful that Emily hadn’t been seriously hurt, when Spencer realized that you weren’t there. You had been just a second before, but now you were gone. He hadn’t missed the way your face had gone as white as a sheet, your breathing suddenly becoming more labored.</p>
<p>He excused himself from the room, turning down bright corridor after bright corridor in search of wherever you might be. Finally, he found you in an empty waiting room. You were on the floor, folded in on yourself, and he was reminded of that one night in the hotel so many months ago. The one moment you had allowed yourself to be vulnerable.</p>
<p>Spencer padded up to you quietly, sinking to the floor beside you. He tried to ignore every thought in his brain that was <em> screaming </em> about the number of goddamn pathogens on the floor, though he took care not to actually touch it with his hands- there was still a line he wouldn’t cross, after all.</p>
<p>You glanced at him, barely seeming to recognize that he was there. Your breathing was fast and shallow, your arms hugging your legs tightly.</p>
<p>“Y/N,” he whispered, grabbing your hand and causing you to finally look him in the eye. “What’s going on?”</p>
<p>Despite the panic that you were clearly feeling, he watched your face go through the familiar motions of deciding exactly how much you could disclose to him. There was silence as you stared at the floor, and he had just resigned himself to the fact that you weren’t going to tell him when you turned back towards him. “I, um,” you choked out, tears threatening to spill from your eyes. “I haven’t been in a hospital since… well, since Peter and Caroline.”</p>
<p>Spencer let out a soft sigh, squeezing your hand tighter. “Do you want to talk about it?” Your fingers laced through his unexpectedly, and he blinked at you in surprise.</p>
<p>You sat like that for the better part of an hour, your hand never leaving his as you finally told him. You told him about the unbearable agony, about the loss of two of your teammates- two members of your <em> family</em>. The emotion, the vulnerability, behind your words was something he had never heard before, and he listened quietly as the words seemed to pour out of you.</p>
<p>It had come out of nowhere- this loss of your family. It had been a typical case, fairly simple and straightforward, until suddenly it wasn’t. Suddenly there was this huge gaping hole where they used to be, this incomprehensible loss. You loved them- you told Spencer this. You loved them like they were your own flesh and blood, and then they were gone.</p>
<p>“That’s why-” your voice cracked, “That’s why I only use last names. It’s my rule. It’s just- I don’t want to get attached. It hurts too much when it gets taken away.” You trailed off, overcome by the memories as you tried desperately to shut them out.</p>
<p>Spencer simply reached up and wiped the tears from your face, arm wrapping around you when you laid your head on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry. Thank you for telling me.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, Reid,” you murmured.</p>
<p>“For what?”</p>
<p>“For being you.”</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>This seemed to be as far as Spencer could get with you before he hit another wall. Your relationship was different after this conversation, certainly, but there was still an unspoken barrier. You smiled at him more, he noticed, and for that he was eternally grateful. You made a point of sitting next to him on the jet, and his heart swelled every time you did. Just being close to you was enough for now.</p>
<p>Despite all these changes, the wall seemed to go back up. You didn’t mention Peter or Caroline again, and you most definitely didn’t talk about your rule, about your commitment to staying detached from everything and everyone.</p>
<p>Life went on as normally as it could, unsubs and all. Then, one day, there was a case. It started out just like any other case, the standard run of the mill white male in his thirties to forties with unresolved daddy issues. Been there, done that.</p>
<p>Hotch sent you out on a lead, nothing suspicious, just someone that they wanted to bring in to question. You all thought he might be able to lead you to the unsub, that maybe he knew him well given the profile and the history Garcia was able to pull.</p>
<p>You headed out on your own, with promises of returning straight to the precinct. Your destination was close, fifteen minutes away at most. It only took thirteen minutes and forty-seven seconds after your departure for Morgan to come bursting into the conference room, shouting your name.</p>
<p>Spencer could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up as they all stared at Morgan, asking him why he was looking for you. He pointed to the map, telling them that Garcia had finally been able to triangulate the last calls that all of the victims had made. The location she zeroed in on- well, it was the address that you had headed to.</p>
<p>Spencer ran to the SUV without thinking, Morgan following closely behind him. As they sped towards the address, he tried to call you. It rang once, twice, then nothing. He called again- it went straight to voicemail. He tried desperately to avoid the sinking feeling in his stomach, his thoughts focused on only one thing- they had to find you. They had to get to you.</p>
<p>The house was dark when they pulled up to it, your car empty in the driveway. Spencer and Morgan entered silently, creeping through the hallways and clearing each room. Then they heard it- the distinct sound of a struggle, the scuffling of feet, a solid punch landing on bone. It was coming from upstairs.</p>
<p>Morgan glanced at Spencer and he nodded before beginning the ascent up the long flight of stairs. He resisted the urge to run full speed ahead, to throw himself in front of you. The rational part of his brain knew that he couldn’t do that, that he had to remain calm. He had to, for you.</p>
<p>They had almost made it up when a gunshot rang out from down the hallway- a noise so sudden and startling that he felt his heart catch in his throat. They were too late. He abandoned any pretense of composure, running towards the source of the noise as quickly as he could.</p>
<p><em> “Spencer!” </em>The scream startled him, almost stopped him in his tracks. It was your voice, he would recognize it anywhere. It was laced with torment and tears, a screeching quality to it, but it was you. It was his name.</p>
<p>He ran faster then, barreling into the room with his gun drawn. The unsub lay dead at your feet, a single gunshot to the chest. You were on the ground, writhing in pain as you desperately clutched at your stomach. He had stabbed you at least twice before you had somehow managed to get a hold of your gun.</p>
<p>Spencer dropped to the ground beside you, pressing his hands onto the wounds on your stomach, trying to stop the bleeding. “You’re going to be okay, Y/N.” Tears stung his eyes as he took in a shaky breath and Morgan called for a medic. You were alive. You were <em> alive</em>.</p>
<p>You blinked up at him, wildly relieved to see his face. “I broke my rule,” you whispered, a tear trailing down your own cheek.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” came his unsteady response. “Yeah, you did.”</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>And just like that, your walls were gone.</p>
<p>It was sudden, startling almost. When you had woken up in the hospital, all you could do was stare at Spencer. He had been asleep, curled up awkwardly in the uncomfortable chair next to your bed, his face pale with worry. You reached for his hand, squeezing it in yours. He stirred quietly, blinking away the sleep as he registered the fact that you were awake.</p>
<p>“Hey, Spence.” Your voice was raspy, the words a whisper. He was sure he had never heard anything more beautiful.</p>
<p>And that was it.</p>
<p>The dam had broken, your carefully constructed barriers crumbling around you. That fear, that panic you had felt in that attic. It had all melted away the moment you saw Spencer, the second your eyes met his. You couldn’t do it anymore, you couldn’t carry on keeping him at an arm’s length. Life was too short. That had been proven time and time again, and you had had enough.</p>
<p>The change was subtle at first, but everyone noticed it. You went out with the team more, your smiles coming more naturally and more often. You stayed by Spencer’s side as much as possible, your hand always finding his on the jet.</p>
<p>You and Spencer grew closer and closer, going on your first real date only a few weeks after you were released from the hospital. One date turned into two turned into three and suddenly you were <em> together</em>. He was yours and you were his. Everything felt right, like it had fallen into place.</p>
<p>You spoke about Caroline and Peter more, and when you did it was with a sort of bittersweet fondness. The memories no longer threatened to drag you down. Instead, you remembered the good times, the love that you had shared with them.</p>
<p>One night, more than a year after that first night in the hotel lobby, Spencer found himself snuggled up with you, your head burrowed into his chest. His fingers ran mindlessly through your hair as they had a thousand times before. You let out a contented sigh before turning to look up at him.</p>
<p>“What is it?” he whispered.</p>
<p>You pulled yourself up, cupping his face with your hand. “Have I told you lately that I love you?”</p>
<p>“As a matter of fact, you have.” Spencer leaned towards you and pressed a soft kiss to your lips, causing you to smile against his mouth. “But I don’t think I could ever hear it enough.”</p>
<p>Despite both of your carefully crafted walls, despite all of the pain and the suffering, you had found each other. Spencer had never been more certain that he was exactly where he should be with exactly who he should be with- and you had never agreed more.</p>
<p>“I would break my own rules a million times over for you.”</p>
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